Apparently, I'm a commitment-phobe

I don't know what's wrong with me.

To catch you up, I had a DTR ("defining-the-relationship) talk with "my A" about a week ago and got some clarity on our situation. I found out that we're still "together"- dating exclusively but not entirely "spoken for".

That doesn't make any sense, does it?

This situation makes me a little uneasy and I'm not sure why. "My A" assured me that he's not interested in dating other people at this point (or dating, really), and when I pointed out that he may surprise himself and meet someone (else) he likes up there (because he's in the prime location to do so), he said that I'd be the first to know if something like that happens. I believe him, and I was okay for approximately one week before I began freaking out again.

The issue is that part of me wants to be free. To do what? you may be wondering. I don't know. I have nothing else to do, and doing anything else would be pointless- I'm leaving here in t-minus 7 months (or so) and I have no idea where exactly that will be. The secret desire in my heart is to end up in the DC metro area- not just because of "my A"- not at all. I LOVE the area, I have family and (other) friends there, it's close to my family (both immediate and extended), the shopping is fabulous, and the culture is to die for.

But, the reality is that I could end up in Texas...or Michigan...or Atlanta...or Virginia...or New York State...or Tennessee...

I have a couple of reasons for agreeing to this arrangement with "my A". First, I like him- more than I want to admit. He's super sweet, thoughtful, attentive, and super cuddly and fun to kiss-- all when he's not entirely focused on getting acclimated to his new job. Second, for all of the reasons listed above, I don't want anyone else to have him when he settles into his job. Yeah- I said it- why would I want to miss out on all that, or to know that someone else is experiencing the greatness that is "my A"? Third, if I do end up moving up there, I'll get to be with him and we can see what's up with us. The flip side, of course, is that if I don't move then I won't get to be with him-- I have no intention of trying to do the long distance thing with him because my goal is to settle down for a couple of years wherever I end up, and since he now has a permanent job...it would be pointless. Finally, this situation keeps me from doing other things that I would regret out of sheer boredom and feelings of insecurity- like my ex (the cop) or the other A here in town. "My A" is my safety net of sorts.

*sigh*

Sometimes I think that I'm obsessed with having a relationship, and perhaps I am. And I know why. The main reason is that I know that everything else in my life will work out, pretty much just as I want it to- it always does. But never (romantic) relationships. Ever. I feel like it's always disappointment after disappointment. All near misses. I thought you liked me but I guess you really didn't or I never really thought you liked me and, yep, I was right. Or Woo hoo! This is really working out! but Oh wait, you're moving 4 states away...

The result of all of this is that I can't even imagine 1. myself being mutually attracted to someone; 2. a person who shares my mutual attraction agreeing to give us a go; 3. dating for any period of time...successfully; 4. being proposed to; or 5. planning and having a wedding. It's all a dream to me. I just had dinner with a friend and she said, Do you think we'll be single forever? And I said, It's hard to say, really... I really don't know.

I would feel really self-conscious about my feelings right now if it weren't for my many super single girlfriends who all feel this way- and, believe it or not, some of them are much more bitter than I am (I'm not bitter-- I just lack hope...). We're all attractive, college educated, funny, flexible, and professionals (grad students, MBA's, engineers, teachers, P.A.'s, scientists, etc.)-- "good catches". And we all feel that we're doing something wrong. We've all thrown out our "lists" and are willing to compromise a little (no essentials) to find love. Still nothing. We have trouble seeing our dream fulfilled.

That's enough for now...