Wavering

So my resolution to live a "Zen" life this year is not holding up so well. It all started on Friday- I realized that I was looking down the barrel of a no-plan weekend and I panicked. Spending the weekend at home, alone, and plan-less was unacceptable. I realized that the past couple of weekends I've been busy doing stuff with friends and family for the holidays, and before that the majority of my weekend was spent with "my A" or other friends- I kept pretty busy. But now that he's gone and the holidays are over I'm left feeling...sad? I can't decide how I feel. Sadness is part of it. A little lonely perhaps. My bff is dating someone and she comes back tomorrow- so that's the end of him. My other good friend here can be a party pooper sometimes but she did go out with me on Friday night for a bit to hear a band we both like. The problem with her, though, is that her ex-boyfriend lives in town and she's having trouble getting over him- but she actually spends quite a bit of time with him and thinking about him. So that's it for my friends here really. I don't know how I managed to keep so busy in the past.

In my boredom on Friday I entertained myself by randomly texting a couple of friends and relatives- one of whom was my ex (the cop). Nobody really bit and I went to bed feeling a bit poopy and lonely. Saturday was a pajama day- I cleaned up and then spent hours watching all the True Life episodes I've DVR'd (one of my FAVORITE shows!). I also went to the gym and entertained myself by making eyes with the new guy I've seen there. After that I returned home and resumed my evening. My ex called me back but we played phone tag so I never got him. While in the gym I got a text message from a guy I talked to for like a month right before I met my A- he asked something about if I had to make a team of all the guys I've talked to, would he be on my team and where (he was bored while driving back here with a friend)- so I answered him and we texted for a bit- that was amusing. Today I went to church and then to the zoo with my coworker and her family and that was a blast. Now I'm blogging...

What needs to happen to alleviate some of my anxiety is that my A and I need to have a talk about what's going on. He sent me a text message on Wednesday informing me that he had upgraded to a king sized bed from a queen (background: we went mattress shopping for him my birthday weekend, and he finally decided on one while in MD), and said that I'll be real comfortable when I come to visit. Okay- so he wants to see me. But how often do we talk? Like twice a week- and not for very long. I talked to a male cousin about this situation right after my A moved, and he suggested that I give him like a month to get moved and settled in before I inquire about our status. But waiting is hard... I don't know what to do. I don't want to have this discussion over the phone- I'd rather wait until I visit- but this in-between place is difficult. Especially when I've got all these other guys vying for my time- which is crazy too. I'm overwhelmed and trying to find that Zen space again. Hopefully I'll be distracted this week with work- put this all off for next weekend.

Hasta