Last night I had a mini breakdown on the phone with my mom. I felt completely out of control- and it's all Dr. Phil's fault. His show yesterday was about dating- I knew immediately that I should avoid it due to my current dating situation, but I forged ahead anyway. The discussion was about a new book called something like "Don't.be.that.girl". I was annoyed by the title and most of the discussion- mostly because it hit too close to home. The book is about the types of behaviors or attitudes women exhibit that (supposedly) interfere with "successful dating". It annoyed me mainly because I'm tired of being told that it's somehow wrong to want to be married. Now, that's not at all what the author was saying, but, in the moment, that's how I felt. My mom believes that I am basically equal to a new college grad in my "worldly experience" and therefore have a couple of years before I even need to think about dating or relationships. This is partly true and partly false. Like a new college grad, I have no idea what it's like to be a "real person"- I've never had real money or a real residence or a real social life- it's all been very temporary, and I am scared of the whole process of entering the lonely real world- "lonely" because it is harder to meet people outside of the academic setting (i.e., remember what it was like to live in a dorm? that's been my life for the past 6 years...). That scares me- I will no longer have the security of being put in a new situation with other new people- most likely I'll be the new person coming into preset environments. The prospect of doing that alone in the absence of other support systems (enter the relationship desire) seems super daunting. I am really excited about the future...just wish I didn't have to go it "alone" because I never have.
So, long, rambling story short, I broke down trying to explain this to mom, and I also was in a pretty negative mood about dating overall (I hate it- it's gut-wrenching and can be no fun- and full of questions) and trying to explain to mom that men seem to have it easier (I can't remember why I thought this- it was probably due to the black cloud hovering over my head). It was ugly- especially when my mom and I came to the conclusion that finding a life partner is basically chance-- this is not good information for a control freak like myself. I wanted to sink into my bed and never come out. But it all turned out okay- I felt better and refocused on finding a job. I feel like my equilibrium has returned- I'm somewhat back on track to my Zen life.
Somewhat.
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