Minor (emotional) setback

So right now I'm feeling...kinda sad.

Quick (man) update: the guy I met in DC is still around- we are in contact daily (through text messages) and are "talking". I like him a lot and he says he likes me a lot. We have really good chemistry and can talk forever about whatever. And he drove 2.5 hours out of his way to see me during a layover at an airport on my way home from seeing my family. He's a keeper.

But lately I've found myself really sad and missing "A". I don't understand this phenomenon. I have all that I want, yet I miss someone who did not give me what I wanted.

Can anyone explain this?

I called a friend for reinforcements because I was near tears this afternoon. I looked at his profile (on a social network thingy) and he had added some pics- and one was with a "new (female) friend" of his, and I decided that she would be his next girlfriend. I was super sad about it, even though I am dating who will probably be my next boyfriend (<-- and I'm really excited about this!!). It's all crazy. For some reason I have convinced myself that he will change his whole "I need one year of being friends with someone before I will consider dating them" rule to boo-up this girl. I just know it. And I will be heartbroken. Okay, I'm being super dramatic, but do you get my drift?

It's only been a month since we crashed and burned, so the reality of the situation is still kinda new for me. Although I have known for awhile, and probably knew the entire time A and I dated, that we are at different stages of our lives and have different relationship goals, part of me (perhaps) still wants to be with him. Actually, more accurately, I don't want him to be with anyone else yet. I have the idea that men are able to turn feelings off and on at will, so I imagine that he no longer cares at all about me and is not sad about the downfall of our relationship. I know that this is not true, but I allow myself to be hurt by the possibility that it is the truth.

I wish that it hadn't ended the way it did. Sometimes I wish it had never happened at all.

News!!

Well, the universe has spoken. I have a job!

I will be moving to BMore, MD to work as a postdoc at a small, Je.suit College there. I got the job offer on Wednesday and accepted it on Thursday! I'm super excited about 1. being done with school; 2. living in a REAL city, especially one that is close to perhaps my favorite city ever; and 3. becoming a real person.

It all seems so surreal. I can't believe that I just spent the last 4 years of my life pursuing a doctorate and that in August it will all be over- and I will be Dr. S! It's crazy.

I'm speechless-- perhaps I'll come back when I get myself together...

Musings

• Do you remember the excitement of field trips? Today I was heading downtown to handle some business and I came across a group of school busses as I walked past the capital building, which is a block away from where I work. It was a little after 11 and must have been lunch time, because the coolers were being rolled out. Remember how good lunches tasted on field trips? Even a simple bologna sandwhich (one of my favorites- even though it is mystery meat lol) tasted super special when pulled out of a brown paper sack while on a field trip. Man I loved field trips...perhaps I should plan one for the upcoming spring break- my first spring break EVER as a full time employee...


• I was sick on Tuesday and stayed at home, but I left my house briefly to pick up some chicken noodle soup and crackers. When I entered the store (Pu.blix!!) my body automatically veered to my favorite section- the bakery! They have slices of cake for sale and I usually procure one for the delight of my tastebuds. That day I discovered somthing that has made me want to take another sick day- or at least one each week-- the fun slices of cake are put out during the day. By "fun" I mean the ones that were made to sell for a special occasion but that never sold-- and what's so special about these slices is that they include colored frosting. Let me tell you something- I love plain vanilla buttercream, but there is nothing like a colored hunk of buttercream (i.e., a flower, balloon, or fun border) on a piece of cake. Tuesday I got a piece with a huge hunk of purple on it- most likely a balloon. That cake really made my sick day much better. I really spend too much time thinking about this sort of thing.


• My heart still hearts. I heard a song that really said what I was feeling- it's Rober.ta Flack "Where is the Love". Now, don't get me wrong, I was never in love- but I liked him and really put myself out there. A line in the song sums it all up: If you had had a sudden change of heart/ I wish that you would tell me so/ Don't leave me hangin on the promises/ You've got to let me know. I gave him so many chances to let me know that he had a change of heart but he would never say so- ever. I tried to break off the exclusivity- he had no problem remaining exclusive so I went along with it. That's what hurts- exactly what I didn't want to happen happened- all of a sudden I'm feeling like an idiot and he's like, "we're just friends..." UGH

I have several things on my mind:

• I think I got played...by a 23 year old. Yep. I've come to terms with the possibility. I just can't put my finger on when or how it even happened. We started dating while he lived here and things moved way too fast in a short period of time and yadda yadda yadda what I thought was happening clearly was not. I was in his new town this weekend and asked if I could stay with him one night and he said no. Yep- got rejected- basically he said he'd rather crash on the floor at his coworker's house after her bday party than snuggle with me. I was soooo hurt- never been hurt like that before- mostly because it was on purpose and so out of the blue. We had a discussion about it and he said that he used the party as an excuse- he didn't want anything to happen that would give either of us the "wrong idea". So then I asked for clarification and found out that we are just friends-- supposedly we decided that when we had our last clarification talk. I told him that being "just friends" would not then require exclusivity- why should I be exclusive with a friend?? Ugh. So I ended up having lunch with him on Sunday- it was kinda awkward and I couldn't remember why I was so into him- except that he's cute and was super nice and attentive to begin with. My issue is that I don't feel that he is being 100% honest with me about whether his feelings changed- he claims they didn't but it sure feels that way. I just want to know when/where/why they changed. My only solace is that one day, when he has matured into a man, he will realize that he made a big mistake.
• There's a new guy. I sometimes feel like grand central station- as one is leaving another is arriving. It never used to be this way, but since moving down here in June I have pretty much been dating someone continuously- and there was overlap between all of them- as one was ending another was starting. The new one I met at a club in DC when I was in town for birthdayzilla's birthday extravaganza. I was leaving the club and his friend tried to holla- I kept walking but his friend managed to get birthdayzilla to stop and chat with him. I ended up next to my new guy ("N") and we started chatting and realized that we were both adults (the club was overrun with kids from a local university). We ended up exchanging numbers and he promised to call me the following week- and he did. It was a nice convo- brief, but we got an overview of each other. And we've been talking ever since- mostly by text, but several times by phone. So I got to hang out with him during my trip (I was in town for a job interview) and it was nice- but I'm undecided about him at this point. Mostly because I have NO idea where I'll be next year- and he's going to law school and will not be in the DC area- and may be in boston. So it's all up in the air. But he's sweet- he made me a care package for the drive back, and I made him banana bread b/c he said that he liked it a lot (and I have a great recipe).
• I'm having trouble getting over the hurt of "my A" (cursed is the day I dubbed him that!!). Mostly because I don't know what happened- one day I was just no longer important or exciting to him anymore- I felt it, but he denies it. And to think that I was so excited to see him and he was lukewarm about seeing me- stab me in the chest please. And to think that I felt guilty for an "indiscretion" in detroit- when now I know that there was no reason to feel that way. I feel kinda like an idiot- and I told him this- and he said that I shouldn't but that, of course, he could not tell me how to feel. I hate that when I talk to him about our situation he sounds so reasonable and calm about it all. Deep down I knew how this would turn out- I was hesitant about him and felt that he still wanted to be out and about being social and talking/flirting with girls- not that he couldn't do that with a girlfriend, but I don't want to be the girlfriend of that guy. Ugh. Hopefully I'll recover soon.
• I don't know where I'll be next year (again). The place that I thought I loved and hoped to fall in love with did not wow me the way I wanted it to. I could most definitely work there and be happy, but I didn't get that gut feeling about it. I don't know if I'm gonna get the gut feeling about any place but I hope to- that makes decisions much easier for me. I have a phone interview with a school in houston tomorrow and I have a good feeling about it already-- I have been interested in tx for awhile...
• There are other things that I want to write about but I don't have the time or mental space to do it now.

This here thing

I sometimes forget that I have a blog...it's hard to get back into it, especially since I'm so busy at work and try to avoid the computer while at home since I spend so much time in front of it on a daily basis.

So I feel much better than I did when I wrote that last post. I think it was the "healing" I received at church last Sunday. I went to my old church in the Queen City (NC) and the message really hit home- disappointed in God/broken promises. I have had this issue for years and have had trouble shaking it. Well, at the service the minister called those up who felt this way. I, of course, remained in my seat 'cause I never go up for those things. But I was up there in spirit and, I have to say, I felt SO much better after it. Thursday I was driving and smiling and thought, wow, I'm happy again! It's a great feeling- being down sucks.

On Wednesday I saw my ex- he called me that morning and asked if I'd come see him and I consented (he was here in town for work). I was excited to see him- not really sure why- but once I was there and after I left I remembered exactly why I was happy to be rid of him in the first place. He made fun of pics of me and "my A"-- he said that "my A" looked "gay" or "bi" and referred to me as a "f.ag. ha.g"- all while laughing. HOW UNBELIEVABLY RUDE, no? He's a major piece of work. And so insecure. WHY did I EVER put up with him!!?? He ended the evening by saying that he missed me, and he acted sad that we would not be "together" again. I will never see him again, and it's highly likely that I will never hear from him again- now that he knows I'm "dedicated" to "my A" and also that I will be leaving the state this fall.

I think that's all. My life is pretty boring otherwise. Oh, except for the other A still trying to get at me. He's quite persistent- just have to make sure I avoid contact with him in those weak moments when I'm unsure about how I feel about this arrangement with "my A". I saw the other A on Thursday night- I went to see him sing at a lounge here. The next morning I had a text from him saying that he wanted to leave with me when I left that night...I don't know how to handle such attention... This is all very new to me. Kinda overwhelming, kinda strokes my ego.

Hasta.

Apparently, I'm a commitment-phobe

I don't know what's wrong with me.

To catch you up, I had a DTR ("defining-the-relationship) talk with "my A" about a week ago and got some clarity on our situation. I found out that we're still "together"- dating exclusively but not entirely "spoken for".

That doesn't make any sense, does it?

This situation makes me a little uneasy and I'm not sure why. "My A" assured me that he's not interested in dating other people at this point (or dating, really), and when I pointed out that he may surprise himself and meet someone (else) he likes up there (because he's in the prime location to do so), he said that I'd be the first to know if something like that happens. I believe him, and I was okay for approximately one week before I began freaking out again.

The issue is that part of me wants to be free. To do what? you may be wondering. I don't know. I have nothing else to do, and doing anything else would be pointless- I'm leaving here in t-minus 7 months (or so) and I have no idea where exactly that will be. The secret desire in my heart is to end up in the DC metro area- not just because of "my A"- not at all. I LOVE the area, I have family and (other) friends there, it's close to my family (both immediate and extended), the shopping is fabulous, and the culture is to die for.

But, the reality is that I could end up in Texas...or Michigan...or Atlanta...or Virginia...or New York State...or Tennessee...

I have a couple of reasons for agreeing to this arrangement with "my A". First, I like him- more than I want to admit. He's super sweet, thoughtful, attentive, and super cuddly and fun to kiss-- all when he's not entirely focused on getting acclimated to his new job. Second, for all of the reasons listed above, I don't want anyone else to have him when he settles into his job. Yeah- I said it- why would I want to miss out on all that, or to know that someone else is experiencing the greatness that is "my A"? Third, if I do end up moving up there, I'll get to be with him and we can see what's up with us. The flip side, of course, is that if I don't move then I won't get to be with him-- I have no intention of trying to do the long distance thing with him because my goal is to settle down for a couple of years wherever I end up, and since he now has a permanent job...it would be pointless. Finally, this situation keeps me from doing other things that I would regret out of sheer boredom and feelings of insecurity- like my ex (the cop) or the other A here in town. "My A" is my safety net of sorts.

*sigh*

Sometimes I think that I'm obsessed with having a relationship, and perhaps I am. And I know why. The main reason is that I know that everything else in my life will work out, pretty much just as I want it to- it always does. But never (romantic) relationships. Ever. I feel like it's always disappointment after disappointment. All near misses. I thought you liked me but I guess you really didn't or I never really thought you liked me and, yep, I was right. Or Woo hoo! This is really working out! but Oh wait, you're moving 4 states away...

The result of all of this is that I can't even imagine 1. myself being mutually attracted to someone; 2. a person who shares my mutual attraction agreeing to give us a go; 3. dating for any period of time...successfully; 4. being proposed to; or 5. planning and having a wedding. It's all a dream to me. I just had dinner with a friend and she said, Do you think we'll be single forever? And I said, It's hard to say, really... I really don't know.

I would feel really self-conscious about my feelings right now if it weren't for my many super single girlfriends who all feel this way- and, believe it or not, some of them are much more bitter than I am (I'm not bitter-- I just lack hope...). We're all attractive, college educated, funny, flexible, and professionals (grad students, MBA's, engineers, teachers, P.A.'s, scientists, etc.)-- "good catches". And we all feel that we're doing something wrong. We've all thrown out our "lists" and are willing to compromise a little (no essentials) to find love. Still nothing. We have trouble seeing our dream fulfilled.

That's enough for now...

Dudes

I had some witty comments to make about my observations of and interactions with men but I'm so brain dead right now that I don't know if I can write a post that will fully live up to the one I imagined in my head.

Men are interesting- and for so many reasons. I have learned a lot about men over the past couple of years and I still have no idea what makes them tick. One thing that I have learned and that I try to keep in mind is that what they say is what they mean- they don't double talk or have hidden messages in their words like I do. Most likely, if they say it they mean it- so I should not spend all of my time trying to find the hidden meaning in statements, text messages, emails, etc- but I do sometimes. I read and re-read emails and think, "What did he really mean when he said 'I can't wait for you to come check me out' or 'Miss you!'?". Yeah- I do that. And it drives me crazy, but I can't fathom how a person can say something and actually mean what they say. I wonder if I ever do that.

Another interesting thing about men is that some of them don't seem to like to "compete" to win the heart of a woman- not Gladiator style, but just in general, just trying to "convince" her that he's the one she wants. Am I saying that I want or need this? No. But I assumed that it happened- maybe I've been listening to too much R&B lately...

Anyway, so the other night I went out to a lounge to hear my friend's godbrother sing (he has the same name as "my A"- so we'll just call him "a"). So I try to get a couple of friends to go, but since I only have party pooper friends no one commits to coming out. So I arrive at the venue alone and see "a" and he proceeds to buy me a drink, then I perch and wait for the show. Then I see a guy I talked to back in September (D) walk in with his roommate (I had invited him but wasn't sure he was coming)- so they sit next to me. After the show, "a" comes up to me and is acting all weird- kinda distant (not that I wanted him to be close, but still...) and he mumbles something about him singing more next week, and then he walks away. I should mention that earlier, during the show, D's like, "So how do you know this guy?" and I explain that I know him through a friend. So at the end of the show the band is still playing and I file out with my boys- D, me, and the roommate- and on the way out I wave at "a" and he mouths (as he is supposed to be singing!) "Is that him?" ("my A") and I say no- just a friend. I haven't heard a peep from "a" since, which is fine and could mean nothing, but it is just noteworthy how these guys were both trying to check out my situation with the other. And the result has been that neither has reapproached. AGAIN, not that I desire either, because I have "my A", but it's just an interesting observation. So it seems that guys, in the (physical) presence of a possible other guy option for a woman, will back down. I think I've been guilty of not backing down in the presence of another woman option for a man-- but maybe that only happened in a dream...

What else...

Actually, I have to go see a client- that's enough for now...