Musings

• Do you remember the excitement of field trips? Today I was heading downtown to handle some business and I came across a group of school busses as I walked past the capital building, which is a block away from where I work. It was a little after 11 and must have been lunch time, because the coolers were being rolled out. Remember how good lunches tasted on field trips? Even a simple bologna sandwhich (one of my favorites- even though it is mystery meat lol) tasted super special when pulled out of a brown paper sack while on a field trip. Man I loved field trips...perhaps I should plan one for the upcoming spring break- my first spring break EVER as a full time employee...


• I was sick on Tuesday and stayed at home, but I left my house briefly to pick up some chicken noodle soup and crackers. When I entered the store (Pu.blix!!) my body automatically veered to my favorite section- the bakery! They have slices of cake for sale and I usually procure one for the delight of my tastebuds. That day I discovered somthing that has made me want to take another sick day- or at least one each week-- the fun slices of cake are put out during the day. By "fun" I mean the ones that were made to sell for a special occasion but that never sold-- and what's so special about these slices is that they include colored frosting. Let me tell you something- I love plain vanilla buttercream, but there is nothing like a colored hunk of buttercream (i.e., a flower, balloon, or fun border) on a piece of cake. Tuesday I got a piece with a huge hunk of purple on it- most likely a balloon. That cake really made my sick day much better. I really spend too much time thinking about this sort of thing.


• My heart still hearts. I heard a song that really said what I was feeling- it's Rober.ta Flack "Where is the Love". Now, don't get me wrong, I was never in love- but I liked him and really put myself out there. A line in the song sums it all up: If you had had a sudden change of heart/ I wish that you would tell me so/ Don't leave me hangin on the promises/ You've got to let me know. I gave him so many chances to let me know that he had a change of heart but he would never say so- ever. I tried to break off the exclusivity- he had no problem remaining exclusive so I went along with it. That's what hurts- exactly what I didn't want to happen happened- all of a sudden I'm feeling like an idiot and he's like, "we're just friends..." UGH

I have several things on my mind:

• I think I got played...by a 23 year old. Yep. I've come to terms with the possibility. I just can't put my finger on when or how it even happened. We started dating while he lived here and things moved way too fast in a short period of time and yadda yadda yadda what I thought was happening clearly was not. I was in his new town this weekend and asked if I could stay with him one night and he said no. Yep- got rejected- basically he said he'd rather crash on the floor at his coworker's house after her bday party than snuggle with me. I was soooo hurt- never been hurt like that before- mostly because it was on purpose and so out of the blue. We had a discussion about it and he said that he used the party as an excuse- he didn't want anything to happen that would give either of us the "wrong idea". So then I asked for clarification and found out that we are just friends-- supposedly we decided that when we had our last clarification talk. I told him that being "just friends" would not then require exclusivity- why should I be exclusive with a friend?? Ugh. So I ended up having lunch with him on Sunday- it was kinda awkward and I couldn't remember why I was so into him- except that he's cute and was super nice and attentive to begin with. My issue is that I don't feel that he is being 100% honest with me about whether his feelings changed- he claims they didn't but it sure feels that way. I just want to know when/where/why they changed. My only solace is that one day, when he has matured into a man, he will realize that he made a big mistake.
• There's a new guy. I sometimes feel like grand central station- as one is leaving another is arriving. It never used to be this way, but since moving down here in June I have pretty much been dating someone continuously- and there was overlap between all of them- as one was ending another was starting. The new one I met at a club in DC when I was in town for birthdayzilla's birthday extravaganza. I was leaving the club and his friend tried to holla- I kept walking but his friend managed to get birthdayzilla to stop and chat with him. I ended up next to my new guy ("N") and we started chatting and realized that we were both adults (the club was overrun with kids from a local university). We ended up exchanging numbers and he promised to call me the following week- and he did. It was a nice convo- brief, but we got an overview of each other. And we've been talking ever since- mostly by text, but several times by phone. So I got to hang out with him during my trip (I was in town for a job interview) and it was nice- but I'm undecided about him at this point. Mostly because I have NO idea where I'll be next year- and he's going to law school and will not be in the DC area- and may be in boston. So it's all up in the air. But he's sweet- he made me a care package for the drive back, and I made him banana bread b/c he said that he liked it a lot (and I have a great recipe).
• I'm having trouble getting over the hurt of "my A" (cursed is the day I dubbed him that!!). Mostly because I don't know what happened- one day I was just no longer important or exciting to him anymore- I felt it, but he denies it. And to think that I was so excited to see him and he was lukewarm about seeing me- stab me in the chest please. And to think that I felt guilty for an "indiscretion" in detroit- when now I know that there was no reason to feel that way. I feel kinda like an idiot- and I told him this- and he said that I shouldn't but that, of course, he could not tell me how to feel. I hate that when I talk to him about our situation he sounds so reasonable and calm about it all. Deep down I knew how this would turn out- I was hesitant about him and felt that he still wanted to be out and about being social and talking/flirting with girls- not that he couldn't do that with a girlfriend, but I don't want to be the girlfriend of that guy. Ugh. Hopefully I'll recover soon.
• I don't know where I'll be next year (again). The place that I thought I loved and hoped to fall in love with did not wow me the way I wanted it to. I could most definitely work there and be happy, but I didn't get that gut feeling about it. I don't know if I'm gonna get the gut feeling about any place but I hope to- that makes decisions much easier for me. I have a phone interview with a school in houston tomorrow and I have a good feeling about it already-- I have been interested in tx for awhile...
• There are other things that I want to write about but I don't have the time or mental space to do it now.